The Marlin Democrat
Marlin, Texas, Thursday, March 10, 1904

THE MERRY MAIDS OF MARLIN
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A Wonderful Machine Collapsed
Under Heavy Strain
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     The convention of "oId maids" that assembled in the district court room Friday night may well be classed as the "hit of the season".
     Thirty "maids" there were and a jollier, yet sadder, lot would be hard to find. The costumes were en rapport with the occasion - some apparently having done service for decades, but all incongruously appropriate for the true representation of the several parts of the performance.
     Wigs, false teeth, love powders, paint the rejuvenating machine and artifices and devices commonly supposed to be employed by anxious spinsters of an uncertain age, and of a still more uncertain matrimonial future were conspicuous in the  antiquated wardrobe of each,
The members of t be convention had M-A-N on the mind and made no effort to conceal, their desires and hopes along this line - M-A-N, "a world for a man", was the motto emblazoned on the countenance of each of the "ancient" maids.
     The "plot", with its component parts was laid on the streets of Marlin and was interspersed with some local hits - and the crimson was brought to the face of more than, one bachelor present as the joke was suddenly turned upon him with its cutting drollery.
     The bald headed brigade was on hand beaded by "Old Baldy", the "King", which caused expressions on the faces or some of the spinsters that would indicate thoughts like this: "Of all sad words of tongue or pea, the sadest are these; "it might have been."
     The introduction to scene one was the appearance of Jenny Bump and Jane Axhandle in a one act performance of taking lunch, the menu consisting of crackers, bologna sausage and Marlin hot water. A "scene" was enacted between Jane Axhandle and Horatio Scribendi Clark, the reporter, in which the reporter came out second best.
     When all the sisters bad assembled in the cIub hall the members repeated the matrimonial club motto in chorus (that didn't chorus), This was followed by the roll call, and it developed that all the charter members who joined at the meeting five years ago were present "in maiden meditation, fancy free", still with the sign out, "man wanted."
     The address of the president Marriah Lovejoy reading of the minutes of the last meeting by Secretary Amarilla Heywood the treasurer's report by Priscilla Hop, the address of welcome and the response, the chous, "Psalm of Marriage", "experiences", etc, were signals for outbursts of applause from the audience.
     The initiation of the candidates, the conferring of the "brands", the encounter with the reporter who was discovered "covering" the convention from cover were features well handled.
     The climax came in the third act with the advent of Professor Robertdickey Cheerup and his liveried Senegarnbian with their complex apparatus, known in the most advanced circles of old maiddom, as the "Duplex Multiform Rejuvenator and Electrical Transformer," accompanied by two specimens of feminine perfection, who had been transformed by this wonderful machine. These specimens were pointed to with pride by the professor, who moved about over the stage as if he was strong on wires and manipulated by the dexterous hand of a magician.
     The machine was warranted to make old maids look like new, their wigs to instantly become waving tresses of luxuriant hair, their cheeks to assume that delicate pink, the freckles to turn to dimples and the false teeth to be supplanted with the genuine ivory, forming a charm of face and form that no bachelor. However exact and excentric, could long resist.
     It is needless to say that the professor had applications by the score. They came so fast that his machine was taxed to its "utmost capacity". They but bad to wish and their wish was gratified to the minutest detail-except the last one when Jenny Bump wanted to be transformed into a M. A. N. This staggered the agile and accommodating professor but he soon recovered, and, though with some show of doubt, he set the transformer to work - to make Jenny a man and to look like - "Old Baldy". This wonderful machine was taxed beyond its capacity and collapsed amid the uproarous laughter of the audience - and the old maid's convention was at an end.
     The performance was good throughout and a handsome sum realized by the Daughters of the Confederacy, under whose direction it was given.


Copyright Permission granted to Theresa Carhart and her volunteers for printing by The Democrat, Marlin, Falls Co., Texas.